We all like to think we’re pretty good at communicating.
Until we’re tired.
Until we’re stressed.
Until our partner says something that hits a nerve.
Until we’re standing in the kitchen arguing about something ridiculous — and suddenly we’re discussing something that happened in 2017.
The truth is, communication isn’t just about the words we use.
It’s about whether we actually listen. Whether we feel heard. Whether we’re able to regulate ourselves when we’re triggered. And whether we’re prepared to see things from someone else’s perspective.
In a recent episode of The Midlife Mentors, we spoke to Nicky Perfect, a former hostage and crisis negotiator who spent years dealing with high-pressure situations where communication could literally be a matter of life and death.
And the fascinating thing?
Many of the skills she learned as a crisis negotiator are just as relevant in our relationships.
Here are 10 lessons we took from the conversation.
1. Stop trying to solve everything
One of the biggest mistakes we make when someone comes to us with a problem is immediately trying to fix it.
We offer solutions.
We give advice.
We tell them what they should do.
And usually, we do it because we care.
But sometimes people don’t want a solution.
They want to feel heard.
As Nicky puts it, “connection before direction.”
Before you try to solve someone’s problem, acknowledge how they’re feeling.
Instead of:
“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine.”
Try:
“That sounds like it was really difficult. Tell me a bit more.”
You might be surprised by what happens next.
2. People who feel listened to are more likely to listen to you
This was one of Nicky’s standout messages.
When you’re arguing with your partner, your brain can be screaming:
“You’re wrong.”
“I need to explain my side.”
“Wait until you hear what I’ve got to say.”
But if you want someone to listen to you, start by making sure they feel listened to.
Ask:
“Tell me a little bit more about why you see it that way.”
Listen.
Then, once they’ve had their say, you can ask:
“Is it okay if I explain why I see it differently?”
That’s a completely different conversation.
You’re no longer trying to win.
You’re trying to understand.
3. Remember the 6 and the 9
Imagine there’s a number written on the floor.
You’re standing at one end.
Your partner is standing at the other.
You see a 6.
They see a 9.
Who’s right?
Both of you.
You’re simply looking at the same thing from different perspectives.
This is such a useful way to think about disagreements.
Your partner’s perception doesn’t have to match yours for it to be valid.
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is mentally walk around the other side of the argument and ask:
“What does this look like from their perspective?”
You don’t have to agree.
You just have to understand.
4. Don’t turn the argument into a character assassination
There’s a big difference between saying:
“I’m frustrated that you didn’t do this.”
And:
“You ALWAYS do this.”
Words like always, never, every time and you are can quickly turn a disagreement about behaviour into an attack on someone’s identity.
And once someone feels personally attacked, they’re much more likely to become defensive.
Keep the conversation about the behaviour.
Not the person.
Instead of:
“You’re so selfish.”
Try:
“I felt frustrated when that happened because I felt like my needs weren’t being considered.”
It’s harder to fight with someone’s feelings than with an accusation.
5. Learn your physical warning signs
One of the most useful ideas from Nicky’s negotiation experience is learning to recognise what happens in your body before you react.
For Nicky, it’s tension across her shoulders.
For others, it might be:
- A racing heart
- Tightness in the chest
- Shortness of breath
- A knot in the stomach
- Sweaty palms
- Feeling suddenly hot
- The urge to walk away
- The urge to attack
These are your warning signs.
They’re your body’s way of telling you:
You’re getting triggered.
Learn to recognise yours.
Because once you can spot the warning sign, you have an opportunity to pause before you say something you’ll regret.
6. Use the power of the pause
When emotions are running high, continuing the conversation isn’t always the brave thing to do.
Sometimes the bravest thing is to stop.
Nicky talked about the 90-second rule — giving yourself enough space for the initial emotional wave to pass before reacting.
You might simply say:
“I’m getting really frustrated and I don’t want to say something I don’t mean. Can we come back to this?”
That’s not avoidance.
There’s a huge difference between taking a break and walking away from the relationship.
The key is to come back to the conversation.
7. Don’t have the big conversation after a few drinks
We’ve all been there.
A couple of glasses of wine.
Something that’s been annoying you for weeks suddenly comes up.
And you think:
“Right. We’re finally going to talk about this.”
Usually, that’s not the ideal moment.
Nicky’s advice is to have the difficult conversations during times of peace.
Not when you’re already angry.
Not when you’re exhausted.
And probably not after several glasses of wine.
Talk about the issue when you’re both capable of listening.
8. Stop expecting people to change things they don’t know are bothering you
This one is huge.
You can quietly build resentment about something for weeks, months or even years.
Meanwhile, your partner has absolutely no idea.
Then eventually you explode:
“How many times do I have to tell you?”
But perhaps you never actually did.
Nicky talked about learning this through her own relationships: rather than letting frustrations build until they eventually exploded, she committed to having honest conversations earlier.
You don’t have to be aggressive.
You can simply say:
“I’m feeling frustrated about something and I want to talk about it before it becomes a bigger issue.”
That’s adult communication.
9. Understand that shutting down is often about fear
One of the biggest relationship complaints we hear is:
“They just won’t communicate.”
But shutting down isn’t necessarily about not caring.
It can be about fear.
Fear of saying the wrong thing.
Fear of looking stupid.
Fear of making things worse.
Fear of being vulnerable.
Fear of not even knowing what you’re feeling.
This can be particularly relevant for men, who may have grown up with the message that showing emotion or vulnerability is a sign of weakness.
If someone shuts down, pushing harder isn’t necessarily going to make them open up.
Sometimes you need to create safety first.
Something as simple as:
“I love you. This relationship matters to me. You don’t have to talk about it right now, but when you’re ready, I’ll listen. And I won’t judge you.”
can create a completely different environment.
10. Give your relationship 15 minutes of undivided attention
Perhaps the simplest idea from the entire conversation was also one of the most powerful.
Nicky shared a principle from child psychology: spending dedicated, distraction-free time with a child doing something they enjoy can strengthen the relationship.
Her suggestion?
Why don’t we do the same thing with our partners?
Just 15 minutes.
Once a week.
No phones.
No TV.
No scrolling.
No multitasking.
Just being present with the other person.
Fifteen minutes doesn’t sound like much.
But think about how often couples are physically together while mentally somewhere else.
Sitting in the same room.
Both on their phones.
Eating dinner.
Both checking messages.
Watching television.
Both scrolling.
Being physically present isn’t the same as being emotionally present.
Sometimes reconnecting doesn’t require a grand gesture.
It requires putting the bloody phone down.
The real secret to better communication
Perhaps the biggest lesson from Nicky’s career as a hostage and crisis negotiator is that communication isn’t really about winning.
It’s about connection.
You don’t need to prove that you’re right.
You don’t need to get the last word.
You don’t even necessarily need your partner to agree with you.
You need to understand each other.
Because ultimately, the question isn’t:
“How do I win this argument?”
It’s:
“How do we get through this together?”
And sometimes that starts with something remarkably simple.
Listen.
Pause.
Get curious.
And try standing on the other side of the 6.