Why your childhood, emotions and beliefs could be shaping your bank balance more than you realise.
Money. It’s one of the biggest sources of stress in our lives, yet it remains one of the subjects we find hardest to talk about honestly.
We worry about not having enough. We feel guilty about spending too much. We compare ourselves with people who seem to be doing better than us. We put off looking at our bank accounts because we’re frightened of what we might find.
And sometimes, even when we have more than enough money to live comfortably, we still don’t feel financially secure.
But what if our relationship with money has far less to do with the numbers in our bank account and far more to do with what money represents to us psychologically?
In a recent episode of The Midlife Mentors podcast, Claire and I sat down with financial psychotherapist, author and Sunday Times columnist Vicky Reynal to explore the fascinating psychology behind our financial behaviours.
What emerged was a powerful reminder that our financial habits aren’t always rational. They’re often rooted in our childhood experiences, our emotional needs, our sense of self-worth and the beliefs we’ve carried around for decades.
And for those of us navigating midlife, when financial responsibilities, career decisions, family commitments and questions about the future can all converge, understanding these patterns could be a genuine game-changer.
Here are ten important lessons from our conversation.
1. Money Is Never Just About Money
We tend to think about money in practical terms. It’s what we earn, what we spend, what we save and what we invest.
But, as Vicky explained, money is also a powerful psychological symbol.
For some people, money represents freedom. For others, it’s security, independence, power, status or control.
And for some, financial success becomes a way of proving their worth.
Perhaps you grew up feeling overlooked, underestimated or not quite good enough. Somewhere along the way, you decided that if you became successful enough, earned enough or accumulated enough wealth, you would finally feel important.
The problem is that when we use money to satisfy an emotional need, we can end up chasing a moving target.
You get the promotion. You earn more. You buy the house. You reach the next financial milestone.
And then what?
If the underlying belief is that you’re not good enough, another achievement might give you a temporary lift, but it won’t necessarily resolve the feeling.
The question isn’t just how much money you want to make. It’s what you hope that money will make you feel.
That’s an important distinction.
2. Your Childhood May Still Be Influencing Your Finances
One of the most fascinating parts of our conversation was Vicky’s explanation of how our early experiences can shape our adult relationship with money.
And it’s not simply about whether your parents were wealthy or whether you grew up in a household where money was tight.
It’s also about what you witnessed, what you absorbed and how money made the people around you feel.
I shared a personal example during the podcast.
When I was around 11 or 12, my dad lost his job. We’d previously been comfortable, but suddenly everything changed. Money became something we had to worry about. My mum took on a second job, and the atmosphere around finances shifted.
Experiences like that can leave a lasting impression on a child.
You might grow up believing that financial security can disappear overnight. You might become anxious about spending, even when you can afford it. Alternatively, you might develop a tendency to spend impulsively because money feels temporary anyway.
Other people grow up watching their parents argue about money, sigh over bills or disappear into another room to discuss finances.
Even if nobody explicitly teaches you that money is frightening, you can absorb that message from the environment around you.
The same applies to beliefs about debt, success, generosity and what it means to be financially responsible.
Your financial habits may have started forming long before you earned your first pay cheque.
Understanding where those habits came from isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about recognising what you learned, deciding whether those beliefs still serve you and choosing what you want to do differently.
3. Shame Keeps People Stuck in Financial Problems
Let’s talk about debt.
For many people, debt isn’t simply a financial problem. It becomes a judgement about who they are.
Instead of thinking, “I’ve made some financial mistakes, and I need to work out how to put them right,” they start telling themselves, “I’m terrible with money.”
There’s a huge difference between those two statements.
The first identifies a problem that can be addressed. The second turns a problem into an identity.
Vicky explained how this sense of shame can lead to avoidance. People hide their debts, put off opening their bank statements and avoid having difficult conversations about their finances.
Unfortunately, avoiding the problem rarely makes it disappear.
Interest can accumulate. Opportunities to make changes are missed. Anxiety grows, and the situation can become more complicated than it needed to be.
It’s a vicious cycle: the more ashamed you feel, the more you avoid the problem, and the more you avoid it, the worse you may feel.
We need to stop confusing financial mistakes with personal failure.
Most of us were never properly taught how to manage money. We’ve learned through experience, sometimes through mistakes, and often by copying what we saw growing up.
And it’s worth remembering that not all debt is the same. Some borrowing may support long-term goals, while other debt can become financially damaging. The important thing is understanding your own position and making informed decisions.
If you’re struggling with debt, getting appropriate financial guidance can be an important first step.
You don’t need to solve everything today.
You need to stop letting shame prevent you from starting.
4. Stop Saying “I’m Bad With Money”
This is a deceptively powerful lesson.
How often have you heard yourself say that you’re just not very good with money?
Perhaps you struggle to save. Maybe you find investing confusing, avoid budgeting or tend to overspend when you’re stressed.
Whatever the issue, labelling yourself as someone who is bad with money can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Vicky suggested breaking that broad belief down into something much more specific.
Instead of saying, “I’m bad with money,” ask yourself what you actually mean.
- Do I struggle to budget because I’ve never learned how?
- Do I find investing confusing because I lack the necessary knowledge?
- Do I spend impulsively when I’m feeling low?
- Do I find it difficult to ask for a pay rise or charge what my work is worth?
- Do I avoid looking at my finances because I’m frightened of what I’ll discover?
Each answer points towards a different solution.
If you lack knowledge, you can learn. If you struggle with budgeting, you can explore tools and systems that make it easier. If your spending is driven by difficult emotions, you can start understanding those triggers and developing alternative ways of coping.
The point is to move away from a vague, negative judgement and towards a problem you can actually do something about.
You don’t have to become a financial expert overnight.
You just need to identify the next step.
5. Financial Avoidance Has a Hidden Emotional Cost
We’ve all put off things we know we should do.
The unopened letter. The overdue conversation. The appointment we keep rescheduling.
Money is no different.
Perhaps you know you should review your spending, check your pension, tackle your debt or understand where your savings are going.
But you keep putting it off.
Vicky explained that the first step is to understand what’s driving that avoidance.
Are you frightened of discovering that you’ve spent too much? Are you worried that you’re not where you thought you’d be financially at this stage of life? Or are you anxious that looking at the numbers will force you to make decisions you’d rather not face?
Once you understand the emotion, you can begin to address it.
The second step is recognising what avoidance is costing you.
There’s the potential financial cost of missing opportunities or failing to address a problem. But there’s also the emotional cost.
That nagging voice in your head reminding you that you really should do something about your money doesn’t disappear just because you ignore it.
It can become a constant source of background anxiety.
And here’s the important bit: you don’t have to feel confident before you take action.
You can start by opening your bank account. You can spend 15 minutes reviewing your finances. You can arrange a meeting with a financial adviser or begin learning about pensions and investments.
Small steps matter because action helps build confidence.
Waiting until you feel ready can become another form of avoidance.
6. Are You Using Money to Manage Your Emotions?
We often talk about emotional eating, drinking to unwind or scrolling through social media when we’re bored.
But spending can serve exactly the same purpose.
Retail therapy is a familiar example. We feel stressed, frustrated, lonely or disappointed, so we buy something to make ourselves feel better.
For a moment, it works.
There’s excitement, anticipation and the satisfaction of getting something new.
But the relief can be temporary, and sometimes it’s followed by regret.
Vicky explained that our financial behaviours can be influenced by unconscious emotional patterns, some of which have their roots in childhood.
For example, if you struggle with feelings of loneliness, shopping might become a way of filling the gap.
If you feel insecure about your status, buying expensive things might help you feel more successful.
If you struggle to regulate difficult emotions, spending can become a quick way to distract yourself from what you’re experiencing.
The problem isn’t necessarily the purchase itself. It’s the role the purchase is playing.
Ask yourself:
- What am I feeling immediately before I spend?
- Am I buying this because I genuinely want or need it?
- Am I trying to change how I feel?
- How do I usually feel afterwards?
There’s no need to judge yourself for the answers.
The goal is to understand the pattern so you can make more conscious choices.
Sometimes, what you really need isn’t another purchase. It might be a conversation, some exercise, a change of scenery or simply the space to acknowledge that you’re having a difficult day.
7. Your Relationship With Money Can Affect Your Relationships
Money is rarely just a personal issue. It can have a significant impact on our relationships, particularly when two people have very different attitudes towards spending, saving and financial security.
One person might see spending as a way of enjoying life, while the other sees saving as essential to feeling safe.
One might be comfortable discussing money, while the other finds the subject deeply uncomfortable.
And sometimes, our financial behaviour in relationships is driven by a need for approval.
Vicky described working with people who give excessively to their partners, buying gifts and being financially generous to the point where their own needs are neglected.
On the surface, this might look like kindness.
But underneath, there can be a belief that you have to give more than you receive to be loved or to maintain a relationship.
Perhaps you grew up taking responsibility for a parent or learned that keeping other people happy was more important than expressing your own needs.
As an adult, you might repeat that pattern by paying for everything, struggling to say no or using money to secure affection.
The same dynamic can play out in friendships and professional relationships.
Maybe you’re always the person who buys the drinks because you want to be liked. Perhaps you lend money you can’t comfortably afford to lose because you’re worried about disappointing someone.
Healthy generosity is a wonderful thing. But generosity that comes at the expense of your own wellbeing deserves a closer look.
Ask yourself whether your financial decisions reflect what you genuinely want to give, or whether you’re trying to earn acceptance.
Because the people who genuinely care about you shouldn’t need you to continually prove your worth through your spending.
8. Why Isn’t More Money Making You Feel More Secure?
This is a particularly interesting question for successful people in midlife.
You might have built a career, earned a substantial income, accumulated savings and achieved many of the things you once thought would make you feel secure.
Yet the anxiety remains.
Why?
Vicky suggested that it’s worth asking ourselves a simple question: “Enough for what?”
Of course, we need enough money to meet our needs and manage our responsibilities. Financial security is real and important.
But beyond that, what are we hoping money will achieve?
For some people, financial success is an attempt to gain the recognition they didn’t receive growing up.
For others, money represents the emotional security they lacked in an unpredictable childhood.
Some people hope that becoming wealthy will finally make them feel important, respected or lovable.
The difficulty is that money cannot reliably deliver all those things.
You can become a millionaire and still worry about losing everything. You can earn more than you’ve ever earned and still feel that you’re falling behind.
The goalposts keep moving because the underlying need hasn’t been addressed.
This doesn’t mean we should stop pursuing financial goals. It means we should be honest about what those goals are meant to achieve.
Wanting to build wealth, provide for your family or enjoy greater freedom is perfectly reasonable.
But if you’re expecting money to resolve every insecurity you’ve ever carried, you may find that no amount ever feels like enough.
Perhaps one of the most important questions you can ask yourself in midlife is this:
What does a genuinely good life look like for me, and how much money do I actually need to support it?
The answer might surprise you.
9. Social Media Is Fueling Our Financial Insecurity
It’s never been easier to compare our lives with other people’s.
Open social media and you’ll find people celebrating business exits, buying dream homes, travelling the world and showing off the lifestyles that their money supposedly provides.
What you rarely see is the full financial picture.
You don’t necessarily know how much debt someone has, what their financial commitments look like, how much support they’ve received or whether the lifestyle they’re presenting is sustainable.
You’re comparing your complete financial reality with a carefully selected version of somebody else’s.
And that comparison can leave you feeling as though you’re falling behind, even when you’re doing perfectly well.
Vicky highlighted how social media can distort our sense of what’s normal. When everyone appears to be successful, wealthy and financially comfortable, it’s easy to assume that you’re the only person struggling.
This can create a persistent sense of scarcity.
You earn more, but you want more. You achieve something meaningful, but somebody else seems to have achieved something bigger. You start measuring your progress against people whose circumstances you may know very little about.
At midlife, I think this is particularly important.
Many of us reach a point where we start questioning what we genuinely want from life. We may want greater freedom, less complexity and more time to enjoy the things that matter.
But it’s difficult to appreciate what you have when you’re constantly looking at what somebody else appears to have.
Try using comparison as a source of useful information rather than a weapon to beat yourself with.
If someone else’s success inspires you to pursue a meaningful goal, that’s great.
If it simply leaves you feeling inadequate, it might be time to reconsider how much attention you’re giving it.
10. Get Curious, Identify Your Triggers and Experiment With Change
So, where do you start if you’ve recognised some unhealthy patterns in your relationship with money?
Vicky’s advice was refreshingly practical: get curious.
Don’t immediately judge yourself for overspending, avoiding your accounts or struggling to feel secure.
Instead, start looking for patterns.
When does the behaviour happen? What tends to trigger it? What are you feeling at the time?
Imagine you regularly overspend when you’re out with friends because you always offer to buy the first round.
Perhaps you discover that you’re worried about fitting in and being liked.
Once you understand that, you can start experimenting with a different response. Next time, let somebody else offer to buy the first round. Notice what happens. Do your friends treat you differently, or was the fear largely in your own mind?
Or perhaps you tend to shop online on Sunday afternoons when you’re feeling lonely.
Rather than relying on willpower alone, you could arrange to meet a friend, go for a walk, take up an activity or find another way to make that time of the week feel more fulfilling.
You could also introduce a simple delay before making non-essential purchases, giving yourself time to decide whether you genuinely want the item.
The important thing is to test new behaviours rather than assume that your existing habits are inevitable.
You don’t have to change everything overnight.
Start with one pattern, one trigger and one alternative response.
And remember that there may be different issues to address. Some people need practical financial education. Others need better systems and routines. Some may benefit from working with a financial adviser, while others may find psychotherapy helpful in understanding the emotional roots of their behaviour.
The key is to identify what is actually getting in your way.
Once you understand that, you can start making changes that last.
Final Thoughts: Your Financial Future Doesn’t Have to Be Defined by Your Past
One of the biggest takeaways from our conversation with Vicky Reynal was that our relationship with money is far more complicated than we often realise.
It’s shaped by our upbringing, our experiences, our insecurities and the beliefs we’ve developed along the way.
Some of those beliefs might have helped us navigate difficult circumstances when we were younger. But that doesn’t mean they remain useful today.
Perhaps you learned to be fearful of spending because money was scarce in your childhood.
Maybe you became financially generous because you wanted to keep everyone happy.
Perhaps you’ve spent years chasing success because you believed it would finally make you feel good enough.
Or maybe you’ve avoided your finances because you’re frightened of discovering that you’ve made mistakes.
Whatever your story, understanding it gives you an opportunity to make a different choice.
And that’s what midlife is all about.
It’s a chance to take stock, challenge the assumptions you’ve been living by and decide how you want the next chapter of your life to look.
You can’t change every financial decision you’ve made in the past. But you can learn from those decisions and take greater ownership of the ones you make in the future.
You don’t need to become wealthy to have a healthier relationship with money. You need to understand what money means to you, develop the knowledge to manage it and become more conscious of the emotions that influence your choices.
Because financial wellbeing isn’t just about how much you have.
It’s also about how you feel, how you behave and whether the way you use money supports the life you actually want to live.
And perhaps the best place to start is with a simple question:
What am I really looking for when I look to money to make me feel better, safer or more successful?
Take a little time to explore that question. You might discover that the next step towards financial freedom has less to do with earning more and more to do with understanding yourself.
Listen to The Midlife Mentors Podcast
Want to explore the psychology of money in more detail? Listen to our conversation with financial psychotherapist Vicky Reynal on The Midlife Mentors podcast.
Listen on Apple Podcasts.
Find Vicky Reynal on LinkedIn and Instagram, and look out for her book, Money on Your Mind, available through major book retailers.
The Midlife Mentors help men and women navigate midlife with greater health, happiness, purpose and confidence. Because the second half of life deserves to be your best yet.